Confessions of a Disordered Eater

Hello. It’s a beautiful day, but I’m feeling pretty crummy now.

Let me start off by saying that I just had the worst run of my entire life. 

Take a look at the minutes per mile, and you’ll start to understand why:

Split Time Distance Avg Pace
Summary 2:47:15.6 15.75 10:37
1 8:08.8 1.00 8:09
2 8:09.5 1.00 8:10
3 8:27.0 1.00 8:27
4 8:55.3 1.00 8:55
5 8:48.2 1.00 8:48
6 8:39.5 1.00 8:40
7 9:01.1 1.00 9:01
8 9:54.1 1.00 9:54
9 9:30.1 1.00 9:30
10 9:03.3 1.00 9:03
11 11:38.3 1.00 11:38
12 10:27.9 1.00 10:28
13 14:35.0 1.00 14:35
14 14:45.2 1.00 14:45
15 16:18.7 1.00 16:19
16 10:53.6 0.75 14:33

Okay. So obviously, first mistake was that I started off too fast. Second? Well by the time I was around mile 3.5, I could tell my knee was starting to tighten. Instead of just circling Lake Merced once and calling it a day (like a smart person), I told myself to buck up, and keep running (like a stupid person).

I certainly did “buck up” until around mile 10 (while I was running Golden Gate Park, which was lovely BTW) when I started hobbling. Of course by now, the tightness had been growing into pain and I just told myself to slow down the pace and continue on.

OOooohh, the stupidity. I had to start walking from mile 10 (because once it alters the form enough to make me run with a hitch, it’s pretty much game over). Once in a while, I would try to put in some jogging, trying to convince myself that my knee/ITB is fine… only to end up hobbling again.

So from mile 13, I was just walking back. I tried to find a short cut… only to be met with some really nasty hills. It is San Francisco, so I should have known better.

That downhill was probably what gave me a shin splint in my right leg.

Know what’s terrible? I’ve never had shinsplints before until today. And it was only in my right shin. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME???

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I was sitting around for the past couple of days. Also, when I sit, I have a bad habit of sitting on my left foot (instead of feet on the ground). I usually have my right knee up, right foot on the seat, and I’m sitting on my left foot… does that make sense?

How come my run from Monday was so spectacular and this one ULTRA SUCKY??

_______________

Okay. I had some papers due this week and I was stressed. I was also even more stressed about a simple paper that was due in a different class and it was a group assignment. The people in my group unfortunately REALLY really let me down and rather contributed something that didn’t even add to our thesis (going way off topic) or contributed very very little. I had to do 75% of it, which is okay, but also it sucks because I’m gonna be the meanie who lets the professor know at the end of the group assignment (we have group evaluations). Also, why wait until two hours before the assignment is due to try to contribute something <—especially if it requires a lot of editing and fixing to make it support our purpose.

RANT DONE.

Actually, it’s not.

So with all this stress, I went head-first into a bag of chips.

Now, I don’t usually do this, but because of all these ill feelings, which I HATE having to harbor, I just wanted something super crunchy and sugary (it was Stacy’s Gingerbread pita chips. Delicious, and dangerous in times of stress).

I tried to just have one portion, but by the end of the day (yesterday), I had eaten the entire bag.

So not only am I stressed about the assignment and the groupmates and stuff but now I’m overwhelmed with shame of eating the whole bag of chips.

Why do I share this? (Some of you may look at me with disgust or pity… just don’t judge me so harshly).

Because there are other people out there who eat out of stress… who eat (or perhaps drink?) out of guilt… someone out there who will plow into some junk food out of boredom. Someone out there who doesn’t even know whathungry” and “fullfeels like anymore.

And if you do/have ever finished off something that was supposed to last you a week and felt the shame… I just want to let you know that you’re not alone.

I’m trying to get the conversation started on this kind of disordered eating (not a full-blow eating disorder… which I have been through as well).

Try to name the source of stress. Evaluate the reasons why and try to actively make changes to not put yourself in that situation again.

Also, I think because I run long distances, I sometimes let myself binge and justify it by saying, “Well, I’m going to go for a long run tomorrow.” Why the heck would I need to eat a bunch of ice cream/donuts/chips/pizza before a run? I know that food should be wholesome and it should be fuel for my runs and for recovery. But during certain stressful times, I choose to deal with it with crappy (aka delicious and fattening) foods.

I’m so very glad that I am not struggling with something like bulimia anymore… but I certainly still struggle sometimes with overeating.

At the same time, even if you are able to talk about your disordered eating issues, I don’t want you to embrace that as your identity. You are not some kind of diagnosis. When I was anorexic (and later bulimic), I just totally took that in as my identity. It really messed me up mentally/emotionally/spiritually and I lived a life of secrecy and wreaked havoc on my body.

So again… I confess these issues to remind you that you don’t have to feel hopeless or alone in your struggles. I also want to remind you that you are a beloved child of God <—this is your identity. He will be the source of healing and I know I need to cling to Him when I am being tempted or troubled (during this week, I totally did not reach out to Him).

______________

As far as my running, I’m totally not sure. I’m going to be vigilant of how I’m sitting (feet on the ground!) and MAYBE buy new shoes with more support… maybe.

Even out of these uber sucky runs, there’s something that can be learned, yeah?

I hope everything turns out well by the time I run my marathon in December.

Have a beautiful day 🙂

4 responses to “Confessions of a Disordered Eater

  1. Hi, Michelle! I am new here, and I must say I can relate to you in so many ways. I LOVE Jesus, my group just let me down too..I have a research paper due tomorrow and guess who’s doing about 80% of the work? Moi! And yes they just sent me their somewhat finished parts with sentences that run forever! I guess the concept of proofreading is new to them. Needless to say,I binge ate yesterday too. It wasn’t out of boredom..def stress-related. And you know what else makes me snack like crazy? Those darn Korean dramas hehe. Anyway, I look forward to following you, Michelle! Hope you finish your semester strong!

  2. Excellent self-evaluation! It’s amazing how many eat unconsciously or for self destructive reasons. That which you love you take care of. I am amazed at how many fail to love themselves but search for love in “all the wrong places” It’s called love hunger. Excellent post, Blessed! Keep pressing on toward the mark, Phil. 3:14.

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