Scared of Progress

Weird thing I noticed. [And warning… I’ll be RAMBLING. This was written during my endorphin high, so I may or may not make sense sometimes, or only half-explain my thoughts. Hope it’s still kind of understandable :P]

I’m kind of scared of getting faster. I wonder if I subconsciously hold myself back from running faster splits, from upping the pace on the treadmill, and from working out consistently enough to see big results. Whenever I get close to a great big goal, I kind of perform some act of self-sabotage (such as letting myself eat and eat and gain weight… and then blame my weight on my faltering pace).

As I was hitting the gym last night, I realized that I don’t give myself enough credit for what my thunder thighs can do.

I know that I always compare myself to other runners (who are way more experienced and way faster than me). In doing so, I always tell myself that their “super fast pace” is unattainable for someone like me with lots of muscle and a “big butt”.

Perhaps I should just GO FOR IT. I need to get over the fear of letting myself get faster. Why not feel like I can compete for that top spot? <— even if I’m nowhere near the top finishers a lot of times.

When I go for PR’s when I’m competing against my own times from the past, I say “Oh, I’d love to come in just under this and that time” instead of believing in my training and saying, “I’m going to freaking PR by 2 minutes!” <— which is pretty tough as you get faster and faster.

At the same time, if I know I haven’t been training or running consistently, I can’t beat myself up over running more slowly. Somehow, I want to keep these don’t-be-scared-run-hard thoughts in the realm of reality.

Anywho… I warmed up on the spin bike for 25 minutes. Nice and sweaty, but not pooped. Perfect.

Then I hopped on the treadmill and started at my usual pace, 7.1 mph. I was reading the magazine and running… and realized that I felt like I was jogging… as if I could have been singing a song at the same time!

So I started bumping up the speed slowly. I got up to 7.5 mph or 7,6 mph before I finally felt like I was doing some work. My RPE was probably about 7.5/10, with 10 being the sprint at the end of a race. When I race, I’m usually around 8.5/10 to 9.0/10.

Anyways, I don’t know if it was just yesterday where I felt super energized and felt like 7.6 mph was a comfortable pace, but I kept bumping up the speed. 7.8 mph for a whole mile, then 7.9 for a mile <— except at the last 0.50 mile, I kept upping the speed until I finished the last tenth of a mile at 8.6mph.

5 miles in 38:56. (7:47 average pace). Done with 1% incline in the beginning, then 0.5% halfway through. Interesting. Had I run these 5 miles at the time that I normally would have expected of myself, it would have been 41:06 (8:13 average pace).

Guess that means my cardio is back, huh?

Oh, and I wasn’t even dead at the end of it. I could have run some more (at a slower pace) as a cool down. Instead, I just did it on the elliptical for 15 minutes (resistance from 8 increasing to 12). Msfitrunner says she does a lot of workouts where she feels great at the end because she knows she ran a hard pace, but she could technically do one more interval or run a bit further if needed.

I’m learning a lot about what my body is capable of. I just have to get my MIND to catch up to it! Running races and faster paces and longer distances involves a HUGE amount of mental strength and capacity. Getting my head in the game is going to be my goal for the year. And letting myself run faster and not being scared to let my body be challenged.

I think that’s the hard thing in races… when I feel like I’ve gone out too fast, when in actuality, that’s my NEW race pace and I don’t need to slow myself down or reign it in.

Fine, once in a very while, I should be reigning it in, but I usually try not to let the adrenaline made me run too fast anymore. Hahaha, I used to start out with 7:14 and 7:07 in the beginning and then have my second to last mile being 9:00. The mile splits used to be all over the place!

Hope you were able to see what I was talking about. If not, I apologize for wasting your precious time 😛


Hey. Another blogger I love love love (because I know her in person and she is just beaming with joy and a  passion for running and fitness) who is a wonderful CHEF in the kitchen is mistyyoon <—For reals. You need to check out her blog for all things baking, cooking, and cooking KOREAN food! She is phenomenal!

For someone not so phenomenal, you can just come back here to my blog 😛

My breakfast:


It just doesn’t get much uglier (or SIMPLER) than this. I put some oil on the pan, then threw some spinach on it… then put two eggs. BOOM, spinach scramble. It was topped with lots of pepper and about two tsp of flaxseed oil. Delicious condiment… way better than ketchup. Or it’s at least better for you than ketchup.

Banana is for afterwards… like dessert.

Why have I been posting these not-so-pretty eats? These meals that aren’t that impressive? Because at the very least, I can control what and how much of this and that goes into my food. If I ordered the same meal at a restaurant, who knows what kind of oil they used, how much oil or SALT went into it, and what kind of eggs they used. Also, at a restaurant, when served with some toast and potatoes, this would be like $7.99 or $8.99. It probably cost me a dollar.


Also, there is no point in logging hours and so many many miles throughout the week if I’m just going to eat JUNK. I’m trying to eat well while I’m at school (five days per week), and then maybe splurge a bit on the weekends. I just hope when I say “a bit”, it doesn’t mean I binge at every single meal and eat however much I can.

What you eat and don’t eat has a HUGE influence on your body/health/fitness goals. You can run for an hour at the gym… and drink one of those venti frap drinks from some big coffee company and undo it all the work.

BUT… it doesn’t mean that I won’t be indulging. I am partaking (in smallish portions) in the chocolates that I received from my birthday gift basket:


It’s nice that it’s portion-controlled… so long as you don’t decide to try every single flavor!


I have a pretty productive morning already. First, I got my blood drawn. Dang, they took like five vials of blood! Hope everything is in the clear!

Then I had a Bible study with these two lovely ladies:


These girls actually approached me while I was walking to class on Tuesday. I went out to the group Bible talk on Tuesday night and they were wondering if I wanted to get together in a smaller group, and I said, “HELL YEAH” <— Just kidding. I said, “Yes, that sounds great!”

We went through so many different verses and I found all of the messages super encouraging. They challenged me to take on the TRIPLE-E CHALLENGE, which comes from Acts 17: 10-12, the short passage about the Bereans. 3E is for Eagerly Examine Everyday, which is to examine the word with eagerness everyday. I’ll be sure to try to make it a part of my morning routine.

I’ll even try to wake up 30 minutes earlier each day so I can start every day with the Word and examination of the Scripture.


Today is going to be a rest day from running, but a nice YOGA day! I want to be all stretched out and somewhat rested because tomorrow is going to be a long-run day.

Going back home to see Vanna, Joe, and the sisters for our Bible study!

Hope you have a fantastic Friday!

4 responses to “Scared of Progress

  1. Hey! Thanks for the comment on my post. I’ve had to work some things out in my life and the blog just fell by the wayside. I’ll probably get back to it this month though. Really appreciate that you’ve checked in! Also, I completely get being scared of progress and living up to our full potential. I know that too often, in fitness and other life pursuits, I sell myself short and convince myself that I can’t do something without even trying. It’s 90% mental endurance, most of the time!

    • Yay! Glad to hear from you! Haha, no pressure to get back to blogging. I know when life is just too demanding, it’s hard to keep up with regular blog posts. In any case, I’ll be looking forward to your next post 😉

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