Instead of working out doing anything requiring any exertion, I took it off as a rest-and-digest day. I had some good tempo runs throughout the week, and I need to be okay with not doing a workout once in a while.
So instead of hitting up the gym, Joe and I hit up Yogurtland.
It was actually a great day for frozen yogurt considering how warm it has been in San Jose. Pretty sure today could be one of those days, too.
Then there was praise practice and a young adult Bible study, which ended up just being a time of sharing and prayer. Afterwards, we headed out to Denny’s (10:15 pm) to get late-night grub.
We all played Monopoly Deal (well I was on a team with Joe, and Stephen was the consultant for a couple of people who were playing for the first time).
Joe and I split the Zesty Nachos and the Banana Split:
I know those nachos look messy and just a tad bit nasty, but they were surprisingly good. Then again, how can you mess up nachos?
[Side note: Black Angus knows how to mess up nachos. They put some weird goop on it that made it completely soggy. And the goop was all mealy.]
And the banana split was good… but how can anyone mess up a banana split??
It was a fun night, which I got to enjoy this time around because I didn’t have any races or anything the following day. I miss going out to eat at odd hours like that! But I can’t see myself doing that every weekend. Indulging on fatty things once in a while at 11:00pm should probably only be done like once or twice per month? I dunno.
^Wish Joe got in on the super-cheesy-Asianness.
I look scary.
A day like yesterday makes me feel normal. As you know, having had food issues since high school, sitting down for a meal can actually mean there are one hundred other thoughts going through my mind, whereas someone who hasn’t struggled with food is just thinking, “Ooh, that looks yummy.” And they stop eating when they feel full.
I used to never feel the sensation of fullness. Isn’t that odd… and kind of frightening? I would usually stop at a certain point when I knew I should feel full, but never actually did. Perhaps when I was a binger, I stretched out my stomach or something.
Anyways, I have been mindful this whole week and actually felt full and stopped when I felt full. I hope that means my stomach is back to a normal size.
At the same time I haven’t been TOO MINDFUL, where it consumes my mind 24/7. I used to only think and dream about food (and only watch shows that showed food being made or restaurants with awesome food. In high school, I pretty much only watched Food Network shows… probably because I was starving the whole time).
Feeling NORMAL about this stuff for the first time in a long time. I really feel like it is because I have finally started praying earnestly about it. I pled for healing and asked for Him to take this burden from me. The reason I may have even started to have food issues is because it was an area where I had complete control. Look at where it has led me when I clung to that control. I finally let go and let God take control of it.
And if you are one of those “normal” persons (or close to normal… I’m sure everyone has their struggles with food in one way or another), it may be hard to understand why something so “simple” and routine could be such a stressor.
Hence, the state of many people with eating disorders is stress and worry, hidden under a veil of a nice smile and a slender frame. I was pretty good about hiding all the internal panic that went on every time someone wanted to eat somewhere with only battered-and-deep-fried options on the menu. (Unless it was Joe. I told him straight up that I didn’t want to eat there, haha).
What this all boils down to: going and eating fro-yo instead of working out, and going out to eat late at night… those were decisions that were made easily, and had no resounding and overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame along with it. I didn’t think much of it before, during or after. I just enjoyed the time and the indulgence, and moved on.
HAVE I OVERCOME IT?
THE LORD HAS OVERCOME.
But once I try to take back that control, I’m pretty sure I’ll be overcome with these stupid food issues. I need to make a conscious effort and a mindful decision to give that control over to God. The LORD will take the wheel, and I trust Him and have faith that He knows exactly where He’s going.
Hmm. I pretty much never proof-read my stuff. I like to just let my thoughts be organic and unhindered by second thoughts and re-writes.
If it made no sense, I apologize.
Have a blessed Saturday!