My History of Being “Bullied”

Before I get to the serious stuff, let me share about yesterday’s workout:

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I think it was timely to do 800’s on 8/8, yeah?

Luckily, we didn’t do 8x800m… we did 6 of them. Well, actually I technically only did 4 of them, haha.

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Here are the times for the 800’s: 3:21, 3:20, 3:27, 3:27. Then for the last two, Tammy and I took it easy (she ran more than 10 yesterday morning. I was just tired from the previous day’s trail run). 4:06, 4:09, hehe <— we were talking during those, hehe.

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Each 800m was followed by at 90 second recovery. A minute-thirty flies by during resting intervals… but goes super slowly if you’re holding a wide plie squat:

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Isometric hold with the legs while doing arm circles and such.

And some other fun stuff:

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[Photo cred goes to Linh and Jesi! Thanks for the awesome pictures, guys!]

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Growing up, I was bullied… I was made fun of for being fat and ugly.

Okay, spoiler… I was bullied by MYSELF. I don’t know why I was always so mean to myself when I was so clearly awesome:

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The mean person in my head told me all the time that I needed to lose weight. She told me my face was a wreck and that I could never be good enough… or even okay enough. I went on my first diet at the age of 12. Some of the adults would say, “Wow, you must have lost weight. You look great!” It was weird to be told I looked great when there was actually a storm cloud over my head and I felt so crummy inside.

It kind of made me think… that if I continued to lose weight, I could look really great, and I would actually feel great.

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^(I’m the skeletor standing in the white tank]

Nahh… the bully’s voice started to get louder. “Still not good enough. You’ll never be good enough.” <— though now that I think back… I don’t know who I was trying to impress. I had awesome friends and an amazing family who wouldn’t care what I looked like!

The bully became meaner: “You’re completely worthless. Who would ever want you? You’re not only fat and ugly, but you’re stupid. Oh, and you’re thighs are disgustingly big.”

I tried to exude confidence and a smile, but I was truly messed up inside. High school was a tough time for me.

Anyways, I really feel that God came through for me in those troubled times when I was in a deep dark depression. Pretty sure there was some evil being following me around and whispering horrible lies into my ear… and I ate up every single lie.

Fortunately, God’s voice is louder, and God’s voice is true. He told me I am His beloved and He claims me as His own (this is the Creator of the heavens and the earth we’re talkin’ about!). If I am worthy of the Creator’s attention, I must not be so worthless after all.

I’m crying, just thinking about how much I used to hate myself… I hated myself and felt so low that I no longer wanted to live. I pray for whoever may be facing real-life bullies… for anyone who is struggling with their own self-worth… for anyone who is living in agony just living their lives each day… I pray that you will find comfort in Christ. I pray that you can hear the voice of truth. You are loved. You are SO loved. The fact that He has His sight on you makes you worth it, yeah?

It’s not like I don’t struggle with certain feelings of worthlessness here and there… the bully will creep up on me sometimes… but I can recognize it as a lie and tell the bully to get out. Sticking closely to the Word (which is truth) has helped me so much to see the lie and not fall for it like I used to.

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Will I ever be the smartest, prettiest, coolest person in a room? NOPE. I’m average on all earthly accounts… but I have many testimonies and a joyful life because Jesus is a part of it. How exciting to have a Savior and King in my life!

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Let’s get a serious conversation rolling… ever been bullied? Ever been a former bully (emphasizing the FORMER aspect)? Did you bully yourself? How can we help/guide the younger generation of young women and men to stop the cycle of bullying/mean-spiritedness/hatin’?

3 responses to “My History of Being “Bullied”

  1. I wasn’t bullied, per se, but in high school I was one of the “nerdy” crowd, and I definitely felt like a social second-class citizen. The boys I liked never liked me back, either.

    My inner bully would act up on and off. I was thin and I knew it, but I wanted to be thinner. Thinner is always better, right? Or so I thought.

    It’s hard to come to terms that there will always be someone (many someones, really) that are smarter, fitter, prettier, funnier, ______er than you. It’s hard to get out of the comparison trap. Finding worth in the fact that you are a uniquely created individual helps. So does looking outward to try and benefit others rather than always focusing on yourself. Good topic, other Michelle K 🙂

  2. Pingback: How My Feelings on SPLURGES Has Changed | blessed with thunder thighs·

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